What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 20:19
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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So, i spoilt her more .
She was in good health!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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Especially a lifetime of it.
Who then, do I blame.?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Ive learnt so much.
It was going to be , some day.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
What is the most memorable thing that happened in your college days?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I said to her
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She found it foreign!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
How can someone effectively handle a targeted individual?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What makes outside showers appealing? Why are they not commonly seen?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Would this be the day?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I have no regrets .
Put me off passion for life!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She married twice! .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We were not on the streets..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Was to survive, this bastard.
She wouldn,t have been !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I write beautiful poetry .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But, we were locked up after school.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i lived it daily.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So whats the point in blame.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He knew the spot.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My life is so biszare .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I don,t even have a pension.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why did i forgive my father ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
This is soul school!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She loved him until the end.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I waited trembling.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I will be 64.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it wasn’t much.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was very sick at this time too.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We all went to grammer schools
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
All the time i was locked up.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im still living with it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was 9 years of age.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was scared of men, in general
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I think the readers, may guess!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My family never makes their pension either.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot live in the past .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When she asked me how she looked .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
What did i know ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Comes on , in middle age.